Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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