So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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