I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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