Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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