Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Brb crying the tears of my youth
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
