As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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