I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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