Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
