He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
