I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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