Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
