Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
