why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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