two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
