Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
fuck your aforementioned shoe
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
