he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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