Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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