i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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