I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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