there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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