You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
