I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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