he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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