You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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