You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I would ride that face into the sunset
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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