I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
