last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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