I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
