WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
