end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
