I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Randomize
