someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Randomize
