your parents love me but you hate me
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
