and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
