Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
