new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
