The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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