Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
