That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
