weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
