I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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