Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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