you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize