I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
