Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The air taste purple.
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