don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize