Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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