just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
