just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
