My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
