Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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