Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
