Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
