i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
