theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
