in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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