I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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